Go about your daily routine. Pretend like I'm not even there. I will be the JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER of those who commit sins against you. Please provide me a perching location (skylight preferred) and AMPLE BIRD FEED.

MY CREED

  1. I will watch you intently at ALL TIMES, day and night.
  2. I will never make a PEEP.
  3. I AM A MARRIED MAN. Do not get any ideas.
  4. I will never use binoculars, they are unnecessary because of my SUPERHUMAN VISION
  5. I will not intervene on a MURDER.*
  6. If you leave your house, I CANNOT GUARANTEE your safety.
  7. I will NEVER SCURRY from my perch.

TO BOOK

RESPOND TO THIS AD WITH HOME ADDRESS AND DANGER CONCERN (EX: PESKY STEPSON). REQUIRES NON-REFUNDABLE 50OZ BIRDSEED DOWNPAYMENT.

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