SPECIAL OFFER: I WILL BE YOUR PERSONAL AIRPLANE BODYGUARD

MY SERVICES ARE 100% FREE JUST BUY MY TICKET. VALID ON ANY FIRST-CLASS FLIGHT FROM LA TO MIAMI ON JUNE 18TH.

Pictured: TGI Fridays, Kandahār (0.3 stars on Yelp)

QUALIFICATIONS

• SERVED IN AFGHANISTAN: (NOT W/ THE MILITARY, I WAS A WAITER AT TGI FRIDAYS).
• FLEXIBILITY: I WILL BOARD ANY AIRLINE EXCEPT SOUTHWEST AS THEY DO NOT RESPECT MY RIGHT TO OPEN CARRY.
• TWO TOURS IN JROTC: MASTERY OF ADVANCED BATTLE TACTICS/FLAGS.
• WILL SETTLE FOR A RANGE OF REFRESHMENTS: AIRLINE MUST OFFER GINGER ALE IN-CAN (NOT SCHWEPPES!!!!).
• MARTIAL ARTS EXPERT: BLUE BELT IN TAICHI, PROFICIENT WITH VARIOUS EASTERN WEAPONS AND JUMPS.
• UNPARALLELED PROTECTION: IF AN ATTENDANT TRIES TO SERVE YOU SCHWEPPES ALE (INDICATING THEY ARE YAKUZA) I WILL REMOVE THEM FROM THE CABIN.
• MILITARY-GRADE ACCURACY: I’VE PEED IN MANY MOVING VEHICLES SO MY AIM IS DEAD ON. I WILL NEVER EMBARRASS YOU WITH A MESSY SCENE AFTER USING THE LAVATORY.

FREE AD-ON: I WILL ALSO BE YOUR BODYGUARD IN YOUR TAXI TO AND FROM THE AIRPORT AND INSIDE YOUR HOTEL ROOM AND I WILL TASTE-TEST YOUR SHRIMP COCKTAILS FOR POISON.

TEXT NOW TO CLAIM THIS OFFER: 415–754–3039